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another short story

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Davidk, Jan 26, 2005.

  1. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    another short story

    Hey,

    This is another one I am working on. It is similiar to my other one but I am trying to setup a writing standard for myself, and I know it's only 3 paragraphcs, but I need to find out where you guys sit, and how I should write it out etc..

    Please be harsh :P

    ---

    ?INCOMING, GET DOWN!? yelled Chavez, as machine gun fire started grazing their position. Sgt. Chavez being, the point man was just starting to signal the team forward when he saw the Iraqi truck pull up, with a U.S. made M-60 machinegun mounted in the bed with a tripod stand for maximum effect.

    ?Is anyone hit?? asked Lt. Rohart, after getting his team into a safe position, where they could properly defend themselves. The insurgents caught them off guard. They didn?t expect any resistance while setting up the cameras, and establishing a waypoint on their somewhat readable map. The area they were in was suppose to be semi-abandoned, except for the rumor that an insurgent patrol went through here nightly. Somehow these people knew who would be here.

    ?Smith, TAKE HIM OUT! Use that rifle? Lt. Rohart quickly added to Private Smith, a newly arrived member to the team, he lacked experience and was involuntarily shaking.

    ?Smith, I said to fire that rifle SON!? Smith fired a few rounds but weren?t even near their intended target. Clearly he wasn?t ready to kill.

    ?Give me that rifle, now!? yelled Rohart, Smith quickly handed him the rifle. Rohart swiftly and efficiently adjusted the tactical scope on the M4 carbine, to compensate for the amount of sunlight that was coming into the scope. Rohart handling the weapon like it was a part of his body, steadied his breathing and gently squeezed the trigger still looking through the scope, watched the bullet hit the gunner directly in the chest area. The impact had such an effect that it sent him toppling backward out of the gunner position. His comrade in arms didn?t know what to do but retreat, and sped away quickly as the rest of the team tried to identify who they were. Things were hard out in the desert, their orders were strict. Do not fire, unless fired upon. If no weapon is present, target is considered civilian.

    Lt. Rohart didn?t like these orders because in situations such as this, it put his men at risk. His men could have easily taken out the driver but his orders were clear and he needed to have a chat with the General as soon as they got back to base.

    ?Who were those men LT?? asked Smith.

    ?I don?t know Smith, but I do know that if you hesitate next time, you?ll probably end up dead or get one of us killed. It better not happen again, do you understand me soldier?? lectured Rohart.


    --

    Tell me what you think!
     
  2. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Hmm, definatly a good start. Reminds me of Tom Clancy :) I like the way you've added a bit more character development to it. The things I'd work on are making sure you have adequate character development (make sure readers can sort of relate to the characters, and we know who the characters are) and make sure you build up an adequate ammount of tension or suspense. You're definatly moving in the right direction though, it's definatly getting there
     
  3. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Thanks.

    What I want to do is slowly introduce the members of the team. Lt. Rohart, Sgt. Chavez, and Private Smith so far, there are 3 more for a total of 6. But, if I slowly add them by the time they reach the 6th member they'll know all of them really well, what they think etc..

    I will introduce all of the members quickly, and use all of them all the time, but I slowly want to focus on character traits etc.. :)

    Thanks for the critique! Anymore?
     
  4. zero

    zero OMG Member

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    hahaha, I dig that.
     

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  5. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Great stuff David!
    Keep it coming ;)
     
  6. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Thanks guys! I don't know if your just being nice and telling me that it's good, or it blows, or if its good :)
     
  7. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    It 'is' a good start Dave.
    I look forward to reading more.
     
  8. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Well,

    Being my usual self, I put this one on hold, to start the novel I have been wanting to do, please check it out in the short story section, entitled Renrai or something, i was being stupid :)

    Thanks for the warm comments, I'm all fuzzy inside!
     
  9. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    I hope you come back and add to this one too afterwards.:)
     
  10. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Well,

    My new project is a novel, so I will be concentrating on that for the meantime.
     
  11. Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    i've written stories like this before, and they all seem to be very hard to continue, because you fall into a kind of pattern. No matter how hard you try the stories (at least mine) follow something that you've read elsewhere. but it is a good start, and i would suggest haveing a lot of support characters to add depth and reality to the main characters
     
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