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First poem I've shown.

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Renrai, Jan 27, 2005.

  1. Renrai

    Renrai OMG Member

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    First poem I've shown.

    This is one of my first poems I've shown to anyone. :o
    Feel free to Critique.

    I keep changing it, and I probably will change it a hundred more times within a week. O.o


    The Lady of the Garden

    In the Eve upon the stair
    To the Garden, sits Maiden fair.
    Lips like petals of white rose,
    Smiling sweetly where ere it goes.
    Night sky eyes are burning bright,
    Stars of Diamonds as their light.
    Moonlight pale, and polished skin
    Aphrodite without, Eos within.
    The Lady of the Garden.

    Moon rising higher, stars appear,
    Sparkling in the Midnight clear.
    Standing, walking, deep in the wood,
    Where trees in perfect circle stood.
    Lowered eyes and dreaming face,
    She starts a dance of endless grace.
    The Lady of the Garden.

    Starting slowly, twirling slightly,
    Feet uncovered stepping lightly.
    Faster swirling, freer leaping,
    Dress of emerald color sweeping,
    Over grass and flower sleeping.
    The Lady of the Garden.



    All about her shadows melt,
    Stars no longer can be felt,
    The trees about her disappear,
    walls of courtyard standing near.
    Woken from her dreaming state,
    For Standing by the Gardens gate,
    A voice has broken the silent dream,
    All is not as it would seem.
    For the Lady of the Garden.

    Sun rising higher, stars disappear,
    dimming in the morning clear.
    Standing, walking, from blossomed trees,
    Now alive with humming bees.
    Risen eyes and wakened face,
    Walking with an even pace.
    The Lady of the Garden.

    In the Morn upon the stair
    To the Garden, stands Maiden fair.
    Lips like petals of white rose,
    Smiling sadly where ere it goes.
    Night sky eyes, not quite so bright,
    A small glimmer only left for light.
    Morning sun brightens her skin,
    Content without, and lonely within,
    A heart that as yet is unable to win.
    The Lady of the Garden...



    >.>
     
  2. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Wow,
    That is awesome.

    I showed a professional author, he said it was magnificent!
     
  3. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    That's a fabulous poem Renrai. Wow!
    I wouldn't change a word.
    Thank you for sharing it with us.
     
  4. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Beautiful, just beautiful. I have absolutely no suggestions, it's beautifully written :D
     
  5. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    She has more stuff, I need to prod for more of it!
     
  6. AainaA

    AainaA OMG Member

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    Good Lord! You are good! Hang on in there - we're reading a future laureate here!!

    Thank you for sharing
     
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