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i kind of like "the day after tomorrow" but it's already taken.

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Fats, Feb 18, 2005.

  1. Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    i kind of like "the day after tomorrow" but it's already taken.

    This is a story I got the idea for when my Biology teacher told us that there were only two or three generations left on our planet. I?m not really sure if that?s true, but it is kind of fun to write about. Anyway, please tell me whatever you think about the story.

    The year was 2055 and James was picking through the rubble thinking of times past. If anybody had told him that he?d be digging through trash just to survive five years ago, he?d have had them comited. Fate had a funny way of being cruelly ironic and here he was sifting through garbage bags just so he wouldn?t starve. Only a few years earlier James was on the top of his game, and for that matter on the top of everyone elses have as well. James had been founder and president of an investment banking company. He still had well over 650 million dollars stashed away in a wall safe, but every last cent of that money was useless. As he grew weary from the digging he sat down on a soft trash bag, and thought about how he, and everybody else, ended up in this position.
    No more that 8 or 10 months ago the nuclear waste that had been stored in the western mountains and forgotten about leaked in an unused storage area. The radioactive material ?burned? through the concrete that was supposed to protect the environment, and continued through the bedrock. Because there was such a large amount of waste it continued to burrow down. As it continued down it met a pocket of magma that was slowly working its way to the surface. This resulted in a reaction similar to that of uncorking a shaken bottle of champagne, creating an underground volcano. A deadly cocktail of nuclear waste and magna, releasing toxic amounts of radio activity into the air.


    Sorry about the abrupt stop, I just kind of ran out of time to write today. I Was having trouble with this sentence, if you have any ideas just let me know.

    ?This created a kind of underground volcano which released toxic amounts of radio activity into the air.?
     
  2. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Sounds like a great start to a sci fi story Fats.

    As far as for a suggestion for your sentence, you wrote:

    "As it continued down it met a pocket of magma that was slowly working its way to the surface and the magma, under great pressure, quickly moved up into the storage area. This created a kind of underground volcano which released toxic amounts of radio activity into the air."

    I wasn't too sure which direction you wanted to go in with this but I thought perhaps something like this:

    "As it continued down it met a pocket of magma that was slowly working its way to the surface. This resulted in a reaction similar to that of uncorking a shaken bottle of champagne, creating an underground volcano. A deadly cocktail of nuclear waste and magna, releasing toxic amounts of radio activity into the air."

    Not sure if that's what you were looking for but it's just my suggestion.;)
     
  3. OP
    Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    thanks, i really like the metaphor. it was kind of an abrupt stop, but i just ran out of time
     
  4. OP
    Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    When the radioactive particles reached the open air, they spread rapidly. The radioactivity reached both Las Vegas and Carson City within 24 hours. Panic was widespread and people in the south west fled as fast as they could causing a backup in all means of transportation. All aircraft that were able to reach Nevada were mandated by the Federal Aviation Administration to evacuate refugees from the Nevada area. In less than a month the devastation reached as far as New York City, and along the way the radioactivity affected many of the nuclear weapons that were stored in the Ravenna armory. At this point in time many terrorist organizations ranging from the Hizballa to the PLF, Palestine Liberation Front, and even IRA, Irish Republican Army, took advantage of the problem in the USA. Many bombings occurred in the months following the disaster, a revolution occurred in both China and the former soviet union. With two world powers under radical government control, and the third in economic, biologic, and militaristic turmoil almost all of the world?s nuclear weapons were in the control of small terrorist cells.
    For about a week the world seemed to calm down when an unknown Russian Anarchist group launched 16 ICBM?s at 8 strategic military bases in North America, six of which were located in the United States and the remaining eight ICBM were launched at the Great Wall of China, Beijing, and Tokyo. When the Chinese, American, and Canadian governments realized the ICBM?s were incoming they launched an onslaught of firepower into the capitol of Russia.

    just continuing the story. please continue to critique my work.
     
  5. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    I'd break it up a little more, spacing every 5 sentences, is a good rule. It makes for easier reading.
     
  6. OP
    Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    thanks i hadn't looked at it that way, but now that you mention it i can kind of see what you mean.
     
  7. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Sorry it took me this long to give this one a read. I've just been rather busy.

    Besides an abrupt ending, I think you had a bit of an abrupt start. You started right into the story. I think this one might've been better off with a bit of an introduction first. The story starts off rough, and then I think your transition from the "world" story to the story of the main character was rough too. "He thought about it," and then the entire story, there might've been a better way to pull that off. The topic/theme itself might be slightly overused, but for good reason. Overall, I think you can pull this off nicely.
     
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