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My short story. [confused]

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Davidk, Jan 24, 2005.

  1. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    My short story. [confused]

    Hello,

    I am going to post what I have a short story so far, as I get more of it written, I will start a new thread entitled CONT. So you can all see the progress, and WH get's more post count and activity, but please be as harsh or as nice as you want, all I ask for it honesty!

    --

    Confused
    Author: David A. Kauzlaric

    My day started out great; I won the spelling bee that I was in. I was ecstatic over it. I couldn?t wait to get home to tell my parents. As I came in, all excited and bursting at the seams to tell them, my mom hit me with news that would change my life forever...

    While I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, my mother came in ?Would you be alright if I moved out of the house for a little bit?? my mother said. I just continued to brush my teeth and stare in the mirror, pondering does she mean forever? As I finished brushing with strength and courage I said ?Sure, I don?t care? when in fact I did care and was upset, but did not want my mother seeing that.
     
  2. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    My only comment is "brushing with strength and courage" might need a bit more elaboration. I can see what you're going for, but it might be potentially confusing. Other than that, it's a great start. I'll definatly be reading.
     
  3. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Yes,

    I have to rewrite that part, it makes it sound like I am brushing with strength and courage.. lol

    Which isn't what I wanted it to convey.
     
  4. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    I agree, it's a good start.
    I think on that point of conveyance mentioned above where you wrote:
    "As I finished brushing with strength and courage I said..."

    you might be looking for something like:
    "I finished brushing my teeth, and with all the strenght and courage I could muster I said..."

    Just a suggestion. :)

    I'll definetly keep reading also.
     
  5. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Yeah, "I finished brushing my teeth, and with all the strenght and courage I could muster I said..." that is what I wanted to convey, but it's merely a rough draft. Thank you for your comments, keep them coming, I need all I can get, positive or negative, the only way to get better is through people telling you!
     
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