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renrai, here it is so far

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Davidk, Jan 27, 2005.

  1. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    renrai, here it is so far

    Ok, below is a novel that me and Ren are working on, please comment on what you think so far, this is chapter1, (1/6 of it)

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    Untitled
    Author: Marianne Scholl and David A. Kauzlaric

    Note: Contains, Graphic violence

    Chapter 1 ? A Mistake
    ---------------------------

    It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, with just enough of a breeze to keep you cooled down. Locke was in a great mood, everything was going perfect for him. Every stoplight was green, and traffic was flowing nicely. He sprouted a sly smile as he neared the bookstore, and remembered how much he loved coming here as a kid. He found a parking spot right in front of the bookstore. The parking meter had 45 minutes left on it, as someone must have put money in and left sooner than expected. He locked his car and walked into the bookstore.

    ?Good morning Laura!? Zach said, as he walked down the sci-fi section of the bookstore.

    ?Morning, Zach. Why so cheerful today?? inquired Laura.

    ?Just a good day today, any new books in?? asked Zach, while searching for his favorite book series.

    ?Hmm, not that I know o... Oh, yes. There is a new one, right over here? she said, as she walked over to the sci-fi section.

    ?You got it in! You are the best!? he gave her a hug, then quickly released her. ?I?ve been looking for this book for awhile, thank you!? he said overly excited.

    ?Well, you are welcome! I?ve never seen a book make a person so happy!? she laughed.

    ?Yes, well I?ve never read a series that made me so happy.? He said with a wink. ?I have to run out to my car. I left my checkbook in the car.?

    ?Ok, I?ll keep it up here for you? she replied.

    ?You?re the best Laura!? he said, as he ran out to his car.

    He stopped dead in his tracks?

    He thought he heard someone scream, he stopped to listen. Then he heard it again. Some sort of a scream from the nearby alley, he quickly ran over to see what was happening. He saw two people at the end of the alley, a woman, on her knees crying, hands up in a defensive position. Standing above her was a man with a gun, dressed in jogging pants, and a hooded sweatshirt. He said something again, but it wasn?t quite hearable.

    ?GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!? he yelled, then pointed a gun at her. She cringed in fear, said something to no avail as he struck her in the head with the butt of the pistol. She cried, and moaned in pain, as blood gushed from her forehead. This time Zach clearly seen and heard what was going on. She was being mugged! His heart started to race a little more, but he quickly remembered that in situations such as this, you?re supposed to remain calm. He quickly took a step backward to remain out of sight, to concoct a plan. He knew that he had to help this lady, or she might end up dead. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tightened his fists and dug them into his thighs, as he thought what to do.

    It became apparent that he had to do something fast. A thousand different thoughts ran through his head, he knew that acting late could only hurt her, so he made his move. It must have only been 65-80 feet to the end of the alley where they were, but it seemed liked forever. He jolted from the corner, running fast. Faster than he thought he could run, he jumped. What seemed like eternity was only a split second, he landed on the back of the mugger. Caught off-guard and with the weight of Zach, the mugger fell forward. The pistol was thrown aside from the impact of the collision. The woman barely able to see with blood strewn all over her face, started to scream. The gash in her forehead has strewn blood all over her hair, face, clothes, and hands.

    Zach, now standing up, looked for the pistol, but to no avail. The mugger, stunned and still trying to comprehend what just happened, was becoming to come aware of the situation. Zach realized he had to do something, he charged the mugger. The mugger finally aware of what was happening didn?t know what to do besides go into a defense position, which helped him little. Zach weighing in at about 190 pounds, the mugger reaching 125 pounds soaking-wet, had no chance against someone of Zach?s stature.

    Zach rammed the mugger into the brick wall. The mugger tripped on a pile of garbage bags behind him, and sent him toppling to the ground. The muggers fall scattered the garbage bags, and revealed the pistol that was lost earlier in the scramble. Zach, not knowing what to do, looked at the pistol. After realizing what had happened, he picked the pistol up. He almost dropped it; full of blood from the woman?s head. His hand now covered in her blood, started to tremble.

    Out of the corner of his eye he saw the mugger make movement; he looked over to find the mugger pointing a pistol at the woman. He knew that she was dead unless he did something, so he fired 2 shots into the mugger?s chest. The mugger died almost instantly, he made a gurgling spasm at an attempt to speak, but died within a second. Zach, frightened about the events that had just taken place, he just stood their. The woman still crying, he looked over at her. He quickly ran to her side and started pushing her hair out of the way, she started screaming at him.

    ?Ma?am? he said. ?You have to let me look at it, the mugger is gone, it?s ok.?

    Trembling she asked ?who are you??

    ?My name is Zach Locke. I was walking to my car when I heard a scream, I saw what he was doing? he was going to kill you. I jumped on him, and starting fighting him, but he pulled another gun out and I had to shoot him?? he sighed. ?I never wanted to kill him, but he would have shot you? he continued ?are you all right maam?? he asked.

    She looked over and seen the gaping hole in the muggers chest, where the 2 bullets sunk in. She passed out.

    2 women walked by the alley, looked down and saw Zach with the pistol, the woman, and the dead mugger. They started uncontrollably screaming.

    ?SOMEBODY, HELP? THERE IS A GUY WITH A GUN, HE KILLED A WOMAN AND A MAN, HELP!!!!?

    Zach, seeing what was happening, quickly ran out to the street, and tried to calm the women.

    ?I didn?t kill the woman, she was being attacked and I had to shoot the mugger, or he would have killed her.? He tried to explain.

    ?POLICE!? they screamed.

    Within seconds 2 squad cars pulled up, officers exited out of the driver and passenger side of the vehicles. They pulled out their pistols and got into a defensive position between their car, and the doors.

    ?SIR, DROP THE GUN? they said. Zach quickly dropped the gun realizing what had happened.

    ?SIR, PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD, AND GET ON THE GROUND, FACE DOWN? they ordered.

    ?I haven?t done anything wrong, the woman...? he trailed off, pointing into the alley. He started to turn around and go into the alley.

    ?SIR, DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER STEP OR WE WILL SHOOT? they commanded. He got on the ground and placed his hands above his head on the pavement. Two of the officers approached slowly, weapons out in the attack-ready position. As they cuffed him, he was murmuring.

    ?I didn?t do anything wrong!? he squealed.

    ?Sure buddy, Jeff read him his rights? he said.

    ?You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney? he stated, meanwhile trying to utilize the double lock function that is available on all police issue handcuffs. The purpose of the double lock is to prevent the handcuffed person from tightening the cuffs, which can result in the blood flow stopping circulation and therefore the person could sue the city.

    The officers quickly put him into one of the squad cars and hauled him off to the local precinct for questioning and interrogation. They quickly called more units to come investigate the woman and the mugger. Zach simply closed his eyes, imagining how doing a good deed can into something so awful.




    -----

    All I have so far, comments!
     
  2. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Great Storyline! It kept me reading.
    I'm anxious to read the rest and find out what happens next to poor Zach.

    I thought the opening line may have been a bit cliche. Too many stories have begun with "It was a beautiful day."
    And aside from a few typos, which are usually edited after completing a story anyways, you kept the flow going well.
    You could feel him summoning up his courage in the line: "He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tightened his fists and dug them into his thighs, as he thought of what to do."
    A main character we could relate to.
    I really liked it.

    When could we expect the next chapter? :)
     
  3. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Well,

    That piece is the first chapter, after I add a couple more paragraphs, kind of short for a chapter, but the next one will be ALOT longer :)

    I assume end of today, possibly. I bought a Tom Clancy book to see how battles should be written etc..

    Thank you though!

    (im changing first line later)
     
  4. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    I hope you didn't find my critiquing too harsh. I just wanted to be honest in my review...Including the fact that I really liked it.
     
  5. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Not at all.

    Is it ok though? Something that has a chance of being published if I continued to write like this, or is it junk?
     
  6. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Being published is extremely difficult. I don't know if you could get published on your own, but maybe part of a short story anthology or something. I like the sotry itself, although I do agree with Madigan that it might've gotten too cliche in some parts, but the twist at the end was nice. It was decently written, but I like what you did with the twist and the police.

    "Zach simply closed his eyes, imagining how doing a good deed can into something so awful." I'm not too sure you want to lay out the theme for the reader that clearly. Maybe make it a little more implied or less direct. That's my only real suggestion. Keep it up ;)
     
  7. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Like Midnight said, it is hard to get published. All the ingredients have to be just right. You have to capture the publishers attention right from the beginning of the book, and make sure your material is good enough to make them want to keep reading.
    I believe anyone could get published with hard work and determination. You and Ren are definetly on the right track. Keep it up!

    Another thing I think Midnight was trying to explain is that depending on the lenght of a story, or word count, it falls under various categories. Shorter material being easier to sell to magazines or periodicals of course, while overly large stories may be tougher to find a publisher to accept unless you're a well known author.

    Here's a couple of sites you can check out for guidelines: :)

    http://www.author-network.com/lee8.html

    http://www.sandraulbrich.com/how_to_go_to_great_lengths.htm
     
  8. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Thanks! I will check them out!
     
  9. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    (asks eagerly)
    When might we expect to read more of your story David and Ren?
     
  10. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Well,

    Ren is no longer apart of it, just me now. She is too busy with work and stuff, I'm working on finishing the first chapter as we speak.

    How many words is a novel typically?
     
  11. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    The ride to the Police Station wasn?t a long one, yet it seemed like eternity to him. He continually wondered how he was going to prove his innocence. He pondered what would happen, but decided not to jump to any conclusions. The car came to a slow stop; the two officers got out and quickly came and opened his door. The second officer, ?Jeff? as the other officer called him, grabbed him by his arm and helped him out of the squad car. They escorted him to the interrogation room, instructed him to sit down and waited for their superior to come. Their superior looked like he must be about 275 pounds, not fat though; muscular. He must?ve stood about 6?4 and obviously is a weight-lifter.

    The door was slightly open, and he could barely hear what they were saying but he thought he heard the two officers say ?The guy shot a guy in the alley, and was trying to rape the lady, she apparently was being raped by him. The other guy must?ve seen what happened and came in, and he killed him. He didn?t have time to rape the woman, because two women started screaming when they say what happened.? They both agreed.

    ?What does the shooter say?? The superior asked.

    ?He claims that the guy he shot was a mugger, and he was saving the woman from the guy he shot? he said. The superior gave him a frown.

    ?We have two women that saw what happened, this guy is a murderer. I want him questioned, and then sentence him. He will do life in prison! I will not allow murderers in my town; do what you need to get him to admit to the murder.? The superior barked, as he left for his office. The two officers gave each other a barely noticeable smirk.

    ?Jeff go get the file on this guy, I want his name, where he lives, his family whatever you can find? Bill commanded. Jeff simply nodded and went to get the file. In the meantime I?m going to have some fun, Bill thought to himself.

    Zach was resting his eyes when all of a sudden he went piling backwards over the chair he was sitting in. He landed hard on his back after doing a semi-somersault which resulted in a pulsing ache in his left shoulder. Trying to get in an upright position, he got onto his knees and was looking into Bill?s face.

    ?Did that hurt?? Bill laughed.

    ?Are you a police officer or a thug?? Zach asked, trying to stand up with his hands cuffed behind his back was tough.

    ?I?m a police officer but a thug to murderers? he stated.

    ?I?m not a murderer, I am a law abiding citizen that saved a woman?s life? he said with a harsher tone. Bill backhanded him and sent him three feet across the floor, all sprawled out. Zach tried stand up, kicked him in the back. The force of the boot sent him face first into the wall, he picked himself up again. When he tilted his head, he saw blood pouring form his nose onto the wall and the floor beneath him. He was dizzy at this point and wasn?t sure which way the floor was.



    ---

    I'll have alot more in a little bit.
     
  12. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Typically a novel is between 40,000 to 110,000 words
    Roughly between 175 to 400 pages
     
  13. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    What did you think of my last post? ^-^
     
  14. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    I enjoyed reading it.
    There was just a couple of points I wanted to suggests.
    Sorry for the delay in responding...I just want to reread it a couple of times first.
    So far today, I've had a minute here and a minute there between calls and had uncle coming over to talk to me and not leaving me alone...lol.
    I want to write an accurate critique. I'll post shortly. Let me just get rid of my company first...lol
     
  15. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Oh, lol..

    No problem at all :)
     
  16. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    ok. here's my critiquing...

    First off I like the story. As I've mentioned before, your character is one that we could relate to. I know it's still early in the story, but so far it's about a regular Joe who tries to be helpful and it ends up backfiring on him.

    The points I wanted to mention as I read it a few times are, I guess you could call them 'realism' and 'believability'.

    What I mean is that to keep your readers hooked your story has to be believable. I know it's fiction. but even in fiction, whether it's general fiction, fanatasy fiction, or science fiction, there has to be a degree of believability in your characters actions.

    When it comes to dirty police officers we all know they exist, and I'm sure many of us have heard stories of bad cops.
    But when it comes to writing about it it gets a little tricky.

    At one point in your story where you wrote:
    ?We have two women that saw what happened, this guy is a murderer. I want him questioned, and then sentence him. He will do life in prison!"
    I just don't think an officer would say "...and then sentence him". It's not their job, it's the court's.

    Perhaps something along these lines would be better:
    "We have two women that say they've witnessed the murder. If he really is the shooter I want a confession outta him, as well as a sworn statement from the witnesses. Let's get this S.O.B. behind bars."

    There was another similar occurence is in the last paragraph:
    "Bill backhanded him and sent him three feet across the floor, all sprawled out. Zach tried stand up, but he kicked him in the back. The force of the boot sent him face first into the wall,..."

    I can see a cop shaking down a suspect, even a dirty cop getting a little rough, but I don't know if I'd buy them going to that extreme with the suspect. We're not led to believe that Zach has prior conviction of any kind to warrant such resentment, he is still in hadcuffs so it can't be viewed as self defense on the officer's part, and without any real hard evidence yet, they wouldn't risk losing this guy on something like police brutatily. It's too easy for him to come back and say "they beat a confession outta me."

    I'm not sure how you might re-word that last part. Perhaps adding a reason for the cop reacting that way, something like, his wife or daughter was raped before and he makes an angry remark at Zach after he does it, like: "My daughter was raped by a piece of dirt like you." or "I loath rapists". Thus explaining to the reader the reason for his actions. But then again, this is just my opinion dude. I just wanted to offer some suggestions I thought might help your story.

    Keep writing, I look forward to reading the rest of the story as it unfolds;)
     
  17. OP
    Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Thank you!
    Your points are noted, and held in high regard, you were right on both of them, I will change them when I have some time.

    I don't want to spoil the story, so I am not going to tell you about Zach's past :) It will come in time.
     
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