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The Rising of the Shadow Walker

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by Christopher, Feb 3, 2005.

  1. Christopher

    Christopher OMG Member

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    The Rising of the Shadow Walker

    Okay, since everyone else is posting some work they've done, I figure I should too :D This is something I started a while ago when I was supposed to write a short story for an English assignment. But after the second part, I decided I'd rather it be longer then the 6 page maximum, so I saved it for later and wrote a different one :)

    Not much happens in the first two parts, but my head is full with ideas (the title should be a hint for whats in store). I'll post more when I fine-tune them.

    So here it is.



    The Rising of the Shadow Walker

    Chapter 1: Flight from Monmur

    Jenson woke with a start from the rapping at her chamber door. She made a sleepy effort to call the visitor in and it came out as an angry grunt.

    General Krent swung open the double doors and walked in, followed by several of his guardsmen. As they secured the room, he commanded his men to light the lamps situated throughout. The dark shadows of early morning were soon chased out by the fire light.

    “My Queen, the siege has begun. We must escape while there is time. It is worse then we had originally thought, they have two wizards with them. Two that we have seen, I have little doubt that there could be more. If this will not open the council to our needs, then I don’t know what we will do.”

    Krent was the general of the High Guard and a close friend to Jenson. Though not many knew of their close friendship, she often shared and discussed politics with him. He was a wise man, a strong man. She had known him since she was old enough to be an integral part of House Sadren. Little of him had changed since then. He still had the boyish look to him, at least she thought so. But that boyish appearance was replaced with a hardened stance that meant he was not going to take any chances this night.

    Fully awake now and rising from her bed, she stared into his cool blue eyes to measure the situation. She could always tell how dire a situation was from just looking into people’s eyes. The eyes always betrayed their persons.

    “Then we will leave. Tell your men to saddle the horses; we will ride hard until we reach Tentril. Now please leave me while I dress.” She was a strong woman, tall with jet black hair and a slender figure. The exact image of a strong leader and sorceress.

    Seeing the confusion amongst the High Guard, she hesitated only a moment before shooing them out of her room. They would not ask what they had been thinking, of course. They will be wondering why she intended to go to Tentril and not to Atara. Atara was the center of the republic power, and where she surely should be going. Let them wonder.



    They half-ran towards the stables where their horses would be ready. The High Guard would be coming to Tentril with her. They went where she went, if she knew they were there or not. Before setting out in the opposite direction of the siege, Jenson took one final look at her land. It was her land; she would not let them take it. This may be the last time she saw it in some time. Without further hesitation, they were off.



    After settling for camp on the second day of hard traveling, Krent took her aside from the rest of the High Guard. So, his curiosity was too great for him to hold his tongue?

    “Jenson,” he was one of the only people who ever called her by her first name and without any formality. To him, she was a friend. “I know you must have your reasons to go to Tentril, but I cannot figure them out. Atara is where we should be going. The council will see the threat and will act upon it immediately; we have no need to go to Tentril.”

    “I’m fully aware of Atara and their council,” she uttered the last with the utmost disgust. “And I know them well, better then you. I know what they will say, and what they will do. They will do nothing, and we will be left to fight this war on our own. I must go to Tentril and plead our case to the Council of the Spire.

    “The republican council is corrupt Krent; they might as well be under control of the Emperor. This siege on Monmur is only the beginning. The Republic rulers may not think the Emperor a threat now, but he will slowly take over our lands one by one until the world is his alone to rule. Our lands, Krent, they are ours! I will not stand idle and let a man such as he to rule.” She realized she had been yelling. Not in fury, but in desperation. She had seen this coming and tried to get the republican council to understand the dangers of Emperor Numor, but all it had brought her were assignation attempts and a hit to her reputation. They would not listen to her before and they will shun her away now.

    She returned to her state of calm once again and stared at the other men around the camp until they chose to place their eyes elsewhere.

    “And what makes you think Tentril will head your pleas? They are nothing but wizards and sorceresses; they have no intention to meddle in the affairs of one small land like our own. My Queen, I respect you greatly but what you suggest does not make sense. We should be on our way to Atara where our voice will at least have an effect. Even if the council is corrupt, there will be some who will help.”

    Before she had a chance to reply, the small wooded inlet became a fury of flames. She heard a man yell “Wizard!” and with that, he was cut off with a gurgle of blood spewing from his mouth. Jenson wielded her magic and sent it smashing in all directions around the small camp, ripping the warmth out of the air.

    Chapter 2: High Council of Tentril

    Vince rubbed his brow in annoyance before he addressed the council. “Tell me, Croshin, do you even know the purpose of the Spire? It seems that Emperor Numor has clouded your mind.” The council fell silent with that lazy remark. Tentril, called the center of the world by some, was home to every formable wizard or sorceress. In essence, Tentril was the one power of every land in the world. Of course, no one say that aloud. In every major event in history, Tentril had a hand in forging. On the outside, the tower held the appearance of wholeness, where all was of one mind. In reality, there were groups within the keep where one ideology was favored over others. Each group stuck together and they all had secrets of their own. The tower of Tentril was divided as much as the power houses of any country, and the politics were just as important. And just like any country, Tentril had its hierarchy of power. Sitting at the top was the Inquisitor, who had been Vince Raited for the last 80 years.

    Ever since Emperor Numor came into power almost 30 years past, Tentril had two main groups: those who were in support of the Emperor, and those who opposed. Those who followed the Emperor were power hungry. They fell victim to his bait and served him in the hopes that his promise of being a powerful ruler will actually be fulfilled.

    The woman Croshin Langda stood at the outright accusation. No one would ever admit to being a slave of the Emperor, but they were known all the same. Croshin’s green eyes blazed with fury.

    “How dare you even suggest that I –“ was all she could get out before Vince interrupted.

    “I have had enough of this triviality!” his voice echoed throughout the entire council chamber. Eyes flickered from one worried face to another, but no one said a word. No one wanted to take any chances with the Inquisitor when he was as powerful with the Gift as Vince was, and especially not when he was angry. He wasn’t really angry, of course. One of the first lessons he learned upon coming to study at Tentril was how to control emotions, but tension can be a good tool if used correctly. “I will not allow a puppet of Numor to have a seat on this council! You and Numor’s followers have pulled the strings of Tentril for too long. Emperor Numor is the utter opposite of what the Spire represents, and I will not have this world corrupted by his vile taste for power.” He was standing now, the tall powerful figure of authority. His blue fierce eyes scanned the faces of the council, and it seemed each member was more shocked then the other. This was the first time anyone had called notice to Numor’s pawns in the Spire.

    “What are you saying, Inquisitor?” he heard Putwin Certs murmur, another puppet.

    Vince spun his head to face the voice, his dark wavy hair flowing with the motion. He raised a strong arm to gesture to the entire council before speaking.

    “I, Vince Raited, Inquisitor of the Spire of Tentril, banish all supporters of Emperor Numor and thusly declare war on the colonies of his autocracy.”

    Shocked gasps came from every member of the council. He felt the tingle of magic and he looked upon Croshin and found its source. Using her magic to amplify her voice, she spoke in a tone reserved for threats.

    “As you wish, Inquisitor. Remember this, Vince Raited: the power of the Emperor is not one to be underestimated. You will have your war and I will have your position in due time.” And with that, she walked out of the chambers followed by a quarter of the one hundred council members.

    By daybreak of the next day, the Spire had only a forth of it’s members it had the day before.
     
  2. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    ""She made a sleepy effort to call the visitor in and it came out as an angry grunt."" could be rephrased to something like "She made a tired effort to call the visitor in, the result was an angry grunt"

    Just me 1 cent, other than that it is good!
     
  3. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Bravo Chroder!
    Great writing. I love how you've laid out the political struggles in your story so far.
    Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more.

    There were just two occurences while reading where I was unsure of the chosen words.

    In the 4th paragraph from the end in the first chapter,
    "...brought her were assignation attempts and a hit to her reputation."
    Did you mean "assassination" attempts?

    And in the first paragraph of the second chapter,
    "...,was home to every formable wizard or sorceress."
    Did you mean "formidable" wizards?
     
  4. OP
    Christopher

    Christopher OMG Member

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    Yes, spellchecker spoils me some times. I usually see that red underline and right-click, choose something, just to make it go away ;) Thanks for the comments, guys :D
     
  5. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    ?And what makes you think Tentril will head your pleas?

    head or hear?

    Just checking!


    very well written, I couldn't stop reading, I want more, please!
     
  6. OP
    Christopher

    Christopher OMG Member

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    Actually, it's supposed to be 'heed' lol ;)
     
  7. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    hehehe I missed that one. :o
     
  8. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Hehe!

    Very well written, it keeps me engrossed, I want more !!!!!!
     
  9. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Hmm. I like your writing style, mainly because it's direct and to the point. It gives you enough detail and has enough intrigue to keep the reader reading. I particularly like the way you opened the story. You open it like me, getting right into the story :p Although it is direct and to the point, I might consider adding some writing elements (metaphors, colorful descriptions etc.) to liven things up a bit. I'm not too sure though, I might just be nitpicking. It's your call, and what you have no is perfectly acceptable, that's just more of a suggestion than anything. Overall, I like what you've done so far. It's a great start, I'd just make you develop the characters. The story isn't complete yet, so I really can't say anything about character development.

    Good job, and I'm looking forward to the next installment :D
     
  10. OP
    Christopher

    Christopher OMG Member

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    I was actually thinking the same thing, I might just go back and expand things before I get to the other parts.
     
  11. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    I want the other parts first ;)
     
  12. OP
    Christopher

    Christopher OMG Member

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  13. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Take the cap off Midnight?
     
  14. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    Fixed. You should be able to post it without a problem.
     
  15. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Chroder, I love the story.
    Keep up the good work.;)
     
  16. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Chroder has a good story for a novel, I could definately see this turning into a nice book Chroder!
     
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