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The Steel Love Affair

Discussion in 'Awesome Media' started by xoyoungdreamerox, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    The Steel Love Affair

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    Hi, I`m Yochanna and I`m having a horriably hard time finishing this story and many others and extending my vocabulary to make my writing`s better. Please leave some suggestions and ideas. My gramma is also terriable so I could really use some serious help.

    The Steel Love Affair

    <p> Olividar sighed heavily calling her white magic to her in long flowing strands of power as silver and light as the curls that feel down her back in soft waves. Suchi... Her lips parted as if to say the worlds looking at the metal dragon across from her that sat gripping his head with large taloned hands fighting a violent war within him. Her heart broke for him. Her devotion and love for the metallic creature running deep. Just a little longer my love, I will save you from your suffering and sorrow. I will sweep you from the depths of your pain and despair and clean you anew as a new creature, a creature without darkness. I will banish the darkness from you and possibly even destroy the darkness just for you. I will treasure you Suchi Cakes for as long as you will allow me.
    <p>
    <p> She formed a strong silvery aura about her body concentrating as hard as she could on the necessity of the task ahead of her. She had to hurry her guard was struggling not to hurt her. Struggling within himself to protect her from all harm. Just a little longer. She thought sighing from the effort sweat breaking unto her forhead. She kissed each of her hands before pressing her hands in prayer stance to her forehead. Mother, Aunt Liliala please help me. She prayed. Please help me fight back this threat without causing serious harm to him. Please bless me with your knowledge and make me your vessel for the working that lies ahead of me. Pray for me Mother, Auntie. Be with me in the depth of my need.
    <p>
    <p>Suchi snarled sinking his claws into his own metallic scales and crying out at the pain. " Please, mistress- please leave. I-I dont know how much longer I can hold him off." Suchi looked toward his eyes reflecting his deep suffering and pain. " I couldn?t bare it where something to happen to you Mistress so please leave. Please, for your sake leave me. Leave me and be safe from the curse that is me."

    ? The curse that you speak of non existent Suchi. It is merely a figure of your imagination. It isn?t true and you aren?t worthless and I bid you to please, please hang on a bit longer.?
    ? Mistress, why go through all this for someone a lowly slave and guard such as myself.?
    She sighed, deep impatience filling her voice. ? Suchi cakes-? She hissed out in exasperation. ? Let?s not go there again. You are not worthless and that is that. Please, I need to concentrate.? She drew deeper within herself barely noticing as the darkness nearly completely took over inside him. Suchi struggling with ever breath and movement to fight it off and of course her next words weren?t exactly much help to the one she loved.
    ? Well, well, well look what trash has come blowing about my feet.? She smirked. ?What?s the matter loser? You couldn?t find any other weak assholes to pick on so you go for the sweetest metal dragon you could find? Oh- no I?m sorry that would mean you had some intelligence in that soulless body and we all know that isn?t true. Parasites like you don?t need to think. They just feed off of what ever they can like vultures circling meat that?s already dead. Rest assure I will die before I let you have him. I will die before I let your darkness consume a man I love so much. I will die. Do you hear me Darkness? Die.?
    A blindingly white aura surrounded the young fairly untrained goddess as she continued to draw in energy from her surroundings. The darkness growled in fury seeing the light through Suchi?s eyes and drug Suchi forward to try and kill his enemy. Suchi dug his heels int fighting with himself and struggling as much as he could. ? Pl- please leave.?

    Olividar the beautiful goddess, apple of his eye merely shook her head no and gather her silver skirts about her as she got to her feet. ?I wont leave you.? She whispered softly, her voice carrying to him easy, her blue-green eyes round with emotion and love. ?I wouldn?t leave you for anything in the world, not when you needed me most my darling. I live, breath, eat, and sleep solely for you. I am your servant even though in actuality you are mine. You are my dearest slave. The beekin of my heart, and the fire of my loins. She took a step forward placing the three fingers to her lips that resided in-between her thumb and pinkie completing the spell. I will stand by you in your hour of need Suchi?. Even if it kills me.
    She advanced toward him another step solely speaking to the darkness this time. ? I will do my best to rip you from limb to limb you son of a bitch. I will destroy you with my white light and rip your sorry ass to shreds.? She paused placing a hand on a shapely hip. ? I will tear you asunder and take deep pleasure in your dying screams of pain. ? She began to advance toward the struggling steel dragon as she fought to keep her own darkness at bay. She peered at him. Into the very eyes of that steel dragon that she loved so much and into the depth of the very darkness of his soul.
    She chuckled her eyes going red and colder than a glaciers peek for but a moment before she said speaking softly never once raising her voice a dark aura surrounding her snow white and silvery form. ? Allow me to introduce my self you blundering moron. You are nothing in the chaos of my wake. I am the daughter- no the abomination of the gods; their own true shame. I have the power to weld the sword of chaos, the four soul swords: Soul Destroyer, Soul Eater, Soul Stealer, and Soul Reaver as well as the Elemental Sword of Death. Daughter of the dark goddess of souls and I am here to kick your ass. ?
    ? You`re boasting and bragging means nothing to me child. Those are merely toys that you bandy about with no knowledge as to their use you fool.?
    ?Fool? Oh, We will see about that. ? She smoothly allowed her white light to take hold of her body. She would fight darkness with darkness, but darkness with light she was far from a fool. Her lips glowed a soft silver color before settling upon their normal rose pink tones.
    She stepped into the steel dragons embrace calling softly to his normal self. ? Don?t fight me.? She whispered. ? Trust me. I know you`ve never trusted anyone in your life due to the pain and abuse you`ve suffered, but please Suchi trust and believe in me. Let me love you just this once. Just let me kiss you?.?
    For a better idea of the excellence i am trying to create in this check out this story on my characters site. www.angelfire.com/va3/shonta7/MalaOli
     
  2. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    Hmm,

    I stopped reading, there is a major flaw. The rule of thumb of is when there is a new speaker, you begin a new line, after some reformating, I would be happy to critique!
     
  3. OP
    xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    response

    The whole reason i came here was to be critiqued as a whole so I can improve. If you only read the beginning of story and pass judgement then how are you of use to me? I need help and work as a whole, not as a minimum of some screwed up shame. That`s like saying. You dont like the ice cream but you havent tasted the flavor.
     
  4. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Hello Youngdreamer,

    Let me begin by saying that I've read your story and checked out the site that you suggested also. I enjoyed both.
    (I tasted the ice cream...and loved it!);)

    Secondly, I am sure that David's critiquing and/or suggestion was not meant insult you or your story. You asked for help and suggestions and he offered it.
    Please don't see it as a personal attack.

    In your post, before sharing your wonderful story with us, you yourself admitted to having difficulty with grammar and wanted to expand your vocabulary and become a better writer. There is no shame in having a bit of difficulty with writing. We are all here to try and improve our own writing in some way.

    You have a beautiful imagination.
    You eloquently tell the story of your mistress of magic and her undying love for her beloved silver dragon.

    The point David was trying to make is simply that when reading a story and more then one character is speaking, it's easier for the reader to keep track of who is speaking when a new line is started each time a switch is made of the character speaking.

    As far as helping you with your story goes, I am sure there are several of us here, myself included, willing to help you in any way we can. If you let us know which area you would like help with or whether it's perhaps suggestions for your storyline that you are looking for, please feel free to ask us.

    The spelling and grammar do need improvement, but the story itself is very beautiful :)


    From a friend, a fellow writer, (I am also trying to improve my writing);)
     
  5. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    I apologize if you thought it was a personal attack, it was not meant to be. This is a crtique forum ;)

    When I posted my first short story on another forum, I didn't start a new line for every speaker... They ate me alive and spit me back out, most of them said they wouldn't read it unless I redid it, I did and I got alot better reviews, and it helped my writing a ton!

    I'll read it now, and critique on everything!
    -David
     
  6. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    ""She had to hurry her guard was struggling not to hurt her.""

    There should be a comma after 'hurry'

    ""Suchi snarled sinking his claws into his own metallic scales and crying out at the pain. " Please, mistress- please leave. I-I dont know how much longer I can hold him off."""

    After 'pain' it should be a comma, not a period.

    ""? The curse that you speak of non existent Suchi. It is merely a figure of your imagination. It isn?t true and you aren?t worthless and I bid you to please, please hang on a bit longer.?""

    Should be "The curse that you speak of IS non existent Suchi, it is merely a figure of your imagination."

    Another thing that I have noticed, is that when a person speaks you end the person speaking with a period i.e. ("I guess so." She sighed.)
    That is wrong, it should be ("I guess so" She sighed.) You put a period at the end of her quote, and then after "she sighed" when it shouldn't be there.

    You might want to break your story up into smaller paragraphs, it gets quite tedious to read when there is 500 words clumped together.

    Start a new line when someone speaks, some of your sentences can use commas in place of periods, and break the paragraphs up into smaller paragraphs.

    Other than that, you have a good storyline, keep at it!

    -David
     
  7. OP
    xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    Yea!!! Now I'm happy because people are explaining things to me!! Thank you so much for the help. ^.^ Yes I do hope they chew me out that's what I want. I want to know.
     
  8. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    That is what I was trying to say in the first reply, but you seemed upset when I was merely critiquing, I am glad your happy!

    Once you redo it, I would be more than happy to critique it again!
     
  9. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    Very good editing suggestions David.

    I'm glad to see everyone's happy. ;)
     
  10. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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  11. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    I hope we all get along!
     
  12. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    xoyoungdreamerox,

    Thank you for signing up at Writers Hangout and posting this. First off, I appologize if you thought we were being malicious. We're trying to do just the opposite, and help fellow writers improve their writing, and also their grammar. Hopefully you understand where DavidK was coming from, but I understand that you said your grammar wasn't good, so you're looking to improve. That's perfectly fine, and hopefully everythings good.

    Now, on to the writing itself. Quite honestly, your writing reminds me of my own in some ways. It seems like you have an idea for the plot line, or rather more idea than you let the reader know. It almost seems like you started in the middle of a story, or there's some sort of information that you aren't telling the reader. This can and sort of did cause your story to be somewhat confusing, and too abstract. This often creates a major problem in otherwise good writing. Quite honestly, I like the writing itself. You have a level of depth in your story with the characters that's apparant. I like, from what you have, your character development and your style of writing. I'd work on the grammar (don't worry, just practice and you'll get better. Don't worry too much about it, minor spelling and grammatical errors don't take away from anything), trying to make the plot a bit clearer and making sure that someone new to the story can read it and understand.

    But it's a great start and I hope you continue to write and contribute here at Writers Hangout.
     
  13. Fats

    Fats OMG Member

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    I read your story, and although I'm not usually interested in this genre you pulled me in. i would like to point out thta you might lose a lot of readers because of the intensity of the detail, but in my opinion, it's a very solid base.
     
  14. Davidk

    Davidk OMG Member

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    I think the intensity of detail is good, but it's hard to read since it's all clumped together, if it was spaced out more, it would be easily readable, and it is detailed to an extreme which makes it unique, I like it.
     
  15. OP
    xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    Thank you madigan.
     
  16. OP
    xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    Oh, yes and I forgot to mention this isnt finished yet so not all of the knowledge that is nesscary in fully understanding in the story is there yet. ^.^ Thanks all I will work on it.
     
  17. Madigan

    Madigan OMG Member

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    You're quite welcome.;)
     
  18. OP
    xoyoungdreamerox

    xoyoungdreamerox OMG Member

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    Hi, again everyone I am currently working on the revised version of this story. It will be the complete version and will have alot of the information that this one doesnt currently have. Alot of things and parts that this one doesnt show. I hope you read the update to this. I will also soon be putting the one that's only currently on my character's site on here too. I look forward to more comments and thank every for making this story a hot thread!!!
     
  19. Pyro

    Pyro OMG Member

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    I look forward to reading the updated version when you have it done
     
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